I always knew I was different. From the very moment I could walk and talk I knew that the way I thought and behaved was different – don’t ask me how I know – I just did.
I remember as I grew up and started having teachers and parents and friends influence me in my world and my ways of thinking, I started to question what I knew.
They seemed so right with their points of view and their opinions and I was so small and had not lived much of my life so who was I to know – what did my points of view matter?
And so I succumbed to the apparent norm – to believe what others believed – and as a good ‘sponge’ I became a consumer of the common knowledge around me and began to let go of what I knew and what I sensed to be true.
As I began this, something inside me died. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I don’t quite remember the exact age or date, and yet I recall this time. When I started to feel confused and realised that perhaps it would be best to let go of what I knew and instead follow the others.
I stopped questioning things (and I had quite an enquiringly deep mind). There were things that I talked about and knew that made no sense to the people around me – it was so deep – so I left it written in my notebooks and played the game of normal.
As the years went on I became saddened and at times despair clouded me and my very young world. I guess I also perceived this in the world of my mother who also was an aware and dare I say particularly sensitive and kind woman.
Could this truly be what life was about? Surely there was more to life than this?
I often felt alone in the world. Of course I had friends, in fact many many friends, and yet I felt alone. I did not sense that there were many who could understand or be willing to speak to me about the things I wanted to speak about. I was a very deep thinker. And most people I knew were so consumed in their own lives and problems that to me seemed a waste of time to even talk about.
So I too started to speak about problems – AND then also created problems to talk about and soon I had so many problems I became someone who worried a lot. And I would worry about other people’s problems and feel it my responsibility to make it better for them…
So high school was not so much fun with that kind of thinking going on – in fact I think I had the most referrals to the school nurse. For stress related conversations and not coping very well. The truth is this.
I am aware. Very aware.
And maybe you are too…
Please read on.
What you are about to read may likely change your life… It did mine.